Episode Description: How To Stop Overthinking
You can overthink while you're laying in bed, sitting on the toilet, or trying to focus on work or your kids, Anxious thoughts are loud and relentless! They feel true and dangerous. What's even harder is when your anxiety is high, your ability to think is low.
Anxious brains are not rational-thinking brains, they are reactive, lying brains.
Here's a quick rundown on Episode 26:
The Two Faces of Thinking: There's a difference between inspired and anxious thinking. Inspired thoughts spark creativity and joy, while anxious thoughts fuel fear and doubt. Both are normal, but it's important to be aware of the type taking the lead.
Overthinking's Many Forms: From worst-case scenario planning to replaying past mistakes, overthinking can present in various ways, each keeping you stuck in the past and future instead of the present.
The Problem with Problem-Solving: Overthinking often stems from your brain's natural tendency to protect you. The constant what-if and anxious thoughts come from your brain trying to solve problems that often don't exist.
Feeling Your Way Through It: You can't stop thinking by thinking more. Instead, learn to acknowledge and accept uncomfortable emotions without fear. This allows you to detach from the anxiety narrative your brain creates.
The Power of Self-Awareness: By recognizing these physical and emotional cues, you become more aware of your triggers and can develop healthier coping mechanisms.
How to stop overthinking and start living?
Megan Devito, your host and life coach, shares a proven process she uses with clients to break free from the cycle of anxiety.
This process involves:
Knowing Your Body: Recognize the physical sensations associated with anxiety.
Listening to Your Feelings: Instead of trying to push them away, acknowledge your emotions and what they're trying to tell you.
Shifting Your Perspective: Once you understand the root of your anxieties, you can disarm them and choose thoughts that empower you.
Stop Overthinking, Start Living
Overthinking steals your joy and keeps you stuck. By learning to manage your thoughts and emotions, you can think clearly and feel calm, and confident and have more fun.
Podcast Transcript:
Welcome to the More Than Anxiety podcast. I'm Megan Devito, and I am the Life Coach for women and teenagers living with anxiety, who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live, where anxiety Isn't holding you back, get ready for a light hearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident in your ability to live a life that sets your heart on fire. Let's do this.
Welcome to the More Than Anxiety Podcast, Episode 26. This episode is being recorded in February of 2023. I'm in the middle of so many fun projects in my coaching business and with my life and my brain is going all the time; all the time! And I've got all these ideas about what I want to share and how I'm making these little teeny changes here and there in my life. It's so fun and it takes a lot of focus and a lot of intention too, and I'm learning to really slow down and to think through things. And this is a big change for me because let's be honest, guys, when you're trying to think intentionally, it's kind of hard, and it takes a lot of energy. So truthfully, my brain is going from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night in the best possible way right now. But it struck me as I was writing this episode that my mind has always been full of a lot of chatter, and ideas but the flood of thoughts that I have now is 100% different than it used to be.
In this episode, I'm going to answer the question, Why can't I stop thinking and I'm going to give you some insight into what you can do when your brain is on fire; particularly when you're thinking the thoughts that are anxious and not inspiring. You know, the ones that make you feel like you're gonna throw up that you just can't shut off, no matter how hard you try. There is such a difference, such a huge difference between inspired and critical thinking and letting your thoughts run wild and your brain be on fire. Neither one's right or wrong. And sometimes letting your thoughts run wild is exactly what you need to do. That's creativity, right? Creativity and inspiration, and those really incredible thoughts that you have when you're in the shower, are all your brain doing what it does best. It thinks. Sometimes it thinks really great things. Sometimes it thinks really scary and crappy things. This can be great when you're planning a birthday party or getting ready for vacation that you've been looking forward to. You can put yourself on a beach, literally while you're driving home from work. When, you know, you're all lost in your thoughts. Just be careful about this, Okay, because I don't want you drinking mai thais in your mind while you're driving down the freeway. But to be able to imagine your trip and actually see yourself on the beach, your brain believes that you're really on the beach, because your brain doesn't know about time and space and all that stuff. It's like a little mini vacation or perfect parties anytime you want.
But on the flip side, you can use this against yourself too. For people who are anxious or depressed, or people who struggle to keep a positive outlook, letting your brain think isn't something that's fun or motivating. The thoughts you have aren't focused on what you want, and what feels good. There are protective thoughts or negative thoughts and they're focused on everything that scares you, or that's dangerous, and they aren't the thoughts that you want to have at all. This kind of overthinking shows up in a totally different way, often when you're feeling really anxious. It looks like these situations I'm going to tell you about.
One of them is imagining and expecting the worst case scenario. If you are one of the people that always thinks that you have bad luck, everything is bad, you never have anything good happen to you or you just expect everything to go to hell in a handbasket, I'm talking to you right now. So, in the past, for me, this would show up when I would go to a doctor's appointment and expect to leave with some random deadly disease - even though I showed up feeling perfectly fine and healthy. You know, you go in for a checkup and you're like, I'm pretty sure I'm fine, but you'll probably walk out of here with lung cancer. Now, this might also be as simple as a thought that's followed up with that phrase, "That would be just my luck." Or if you're expecting to be fired from your job, even though you just had a good performance review. This is this worst case scenario thing and I just want to ask you, Do you ever actually really have bad luck or do you use that statement because you're always expecting the worst? Think about that for a second. How bad is your luck actually? Is it just your brain trying to protect you?
Okay, another way you might notice this is when you're using your thoughts or your imagination against yourself by second guessing yourself, or by procrastinating, or having trouble making decisions. Sometimes this is as simple as deciding what you should wear for the day. Sometimes it's thinking that you said the wrong thing to someone and that they're mad at you just because you're thinking about it too much or you feel like you've got a funny side eye. You trust your thoughts more than you trust yourself when this happens. Second, guessing yourself is just a way to keep you from making the wrong decision and it might also be so you don't look silly, or embarrass yourself. And it might be because you wonder what someone else thinks about your choice, like, why would she wear that shirt? Why would she even listen to that? Or if that what is wrong with her? If those are the thoughts you're having, or you're thinking about what you'll mess up if you make the wrong choice, Yeah, that's overthinking.
This can also look like replaying your past. If you just can't let go of what you said at work when you're pretty sure that you hurt someone's feelings, even though you don't have any evidence for that. Or if you accidentally said, 'Thanks, you too' when somebody said thanks for shopping today and you were just there to buy bananas. Tell me you haven't done this where you go in and you just have that instinctive reply, and then you think, 'Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot!' the rest of the day? No, no, no, no, your brain just had a habit. It's Okay. Or maybe you're replaying something that you did that feels embarrassing, or that you think you offended someone else. There's a lot of self judgment in this kind of thinking that sounds like I should have done this thing differently or I should have said something else, or I shouldn't have done this thing, or I shouldn't have said what I said. Lots of self judgment. Self judgment comes from the outside and it questions what other people thought of you. Let me give you a story here that I did this. You don't have to go to this extreme, but I was having some major self judgment and I was going through this phase of my life where I just wanted to release all the things that have been bothering me. So I graduated from high school in 1994. 1994, y'all; it is 2023! And it might have been two years ago so maybe it was like 2021 or 2020. And I was like, in this like, 'No, I am going to go back and I am going to forgive myself. I'm going to release myself from all the shit I did when I was in high school.' Let's be honest, high schoolers make stupid choices and sometimes we do things that aren't very kind. So I had this friend, he was a really great guy. And it was my junior year in high school so it was probably like 1993 or 1992. And for whatever reason, I was gonna go to prom with this guy. He's so nice, like a really a good friend. And I ended up ditching him and going with someone else. And I'm telling you, I carried so much guilt because, let's be honest, it was kind of a crappy thing to do. It was a super crappy thing to do. And this has bothered me forever. I'm like, 'what kind of person does that!' The self judgment I had about myself as a junior in high school, as like a 16 or 17 year old kid and ditching my date to go with someone else, is incredible. Anyways, long story... already long story long, but long story shorter, I ended up messaging this person on Twitter and apologizing two years ago, maybe three now, but I think two and just saying hey, you know what? That was really crappy of me and I'm sorry. I did that. Guys that is overthinking at its finest because I am fairly certain that that person probably hadn't thought about it since but I assure you that I had thought about it so many times. So to correct this overthinking, I just addressed it head on and I felt a little silly, but it worked. Side tangent, sorry. But It's relevant. If you're overthinking something, and you can address it and change it and challenge it and get it off your mind. Go for it! Go ahead and clear it up because I haven't thought about it since. I felt so good. It was a very weird release for me.
All right, moving forward. Overthinking can also be if you are focusing on everything that could go wrong, that is entirely out of your control. Things like being late for work if there's a train stopped on the train tracks and you can't get around it. There's nothing you can do, but if you're thinking about that before you ever leave the house, that's overthinking. Getting fired because your car had a flat tire. This Isn't likely, unless you're one of those people that's always making an excuse for why you're late. You're not going to get fired because your car tire went flat. You're just overthinking it. Here's another one. Worrying about things that are like existential crises, like the sun burning out. Yes, I actually used to fixate on this. This was an overthinking thing for me. These are so heavy and they can take up a ton of your thinking time and your energy. It's incredibly unproductive. It's an unfun way to be, and it feels terrible inside your body.
And then of course, there's always the intrusive thoughts that like to sneak in, that just won't stop no matter what you're focusing on. You might be in the middle of a presentation at work and suddenly, you think you're gonna pee your pants, even though you don't really have to go to the bathroom. Or you might lay awake in bed at night and not be able to shut off your thoughts about what happened at home today, or what happened at your mom's group, or what happened at work. Or maybe you lay in bed and think about what happened when you were supposed to go to prom when you were in high school. Intrusive thoughts and overthinking aren't just for bedtime, though. As a matter of fact, when I was having my disordered anxiety, and you might experience this too, most of my intrusive thoughts happened when I was awake, and trying to focus on other things. So you can be in class, or trying to work, or taking care of your kids, and your thoughts can circle back to whatever is making you anxious in that moment; whatever thought it is that you're fixating on. I think sleep is the most obvious time when we notice overthinking because we don't have anything else to do but intrusive thoughts and overthinking are not reserved for when you're laying in bed at night. You can absolutely have them all day long on repeat. In my situation, sleep was the only time I could shut off my brain. This certainly is not true for other people and I'd even venture to say It's not true for most people. But for me, that was real. So you might be thinking, 'Megan, I don't have a problem sleeping. As a matter of fact, I crave it because It's the only time I'm not thinking!' I'm with you. I get this. This was definitely my experience.
Overthinking during the day, and overthinking at night aren't different. Both of these ways of thinking are still creative, just in a really negative and fear based way, instead of a productive way. Your brain is just using its magic, incredible ability of being creative to do its number one job, which is just keeping you alive, and keeping you safe, and it will not stop. As long as you feel like or you believe something is actually wrong, you'll just keep thinking on repeat to yourself to keep you safe from absolutely nothing that is real.
So here's the thing. You can't stop yourself from thinking by thinking more. When you're anxious, the thoughts are on repeat, because you believe them, because they make you feel anxious. Thinking and feeling aren't the same thing. So It's the cycle of think, feel, think feel. And I've talked about the little caveman in your head before in previous episodes, and how that caveman part of your brain responds to every single thought and feeling you have that it thinks is dangerous. This part of your brain only knows how to react and keep you alive. It doesn't know that your thoughts aren't true. It assumes they are true, because they're scary. And when it perceives that threat, your brain just tells your body to fill up with adrenaline and cortisol, and your system gets flooded, so that you can outrun, out fight, freeze whatever it is that your body wants to go into.
These hormones make your muscles tense, or they make your heartbeat fast, and they make your breathing faster. And they make your brain fuzzy. And they make your pupils dilates. They make you feel - they make your body feel anxious. And it happens in a fraction of a second; so much faster than the thinking part of your brain. So you cannot out think the adrenaline rush. And believe it or not, this is actually a really good thing! It has kept you from being burned by a stove when you were little. It's kept you from getting potentially hit by a bus. It's a great problem to have. It's a great system. It's just that It's working a little too well, when you're stuck in an anxious cycle. So when this cycle is going and you're thinking and thinking and thinking, you're going to keep feeling too and you're not going to out think your anxiety. It is not rational and it is faster than you. Instead, you have to rethink. You have to change what you think about how your body feels. What you think about yourself, what you think about your life, what you think about how it is when your head is foggy. It's just a thought switch.
And yes, I know there are honest to God biological reasons that you feel anxious. You could be in the middle of perimenopause or menopause. You could be in puberty. You could have just had a baby. You could have past trauma. All of those things will make you feel anxious. I'm 47 and I know my hormones are jacked! Can we just pause for a minute and talk about the craptastic experience of of hot flashes and rage. It is no joke. And if you're listening to this, and your testosterone is high or low, or you just had a baby, or you're 14, and you're going through puberty, it is the same for you. You feel all the effects of hormones, and they don't feel fantastic at all. But if you know why you feel the way you do, you're a step ahead of the game. You know, the reason that you're boiling lava hot is because you just got an adrenaline rush or an estrogen did a thing. That awareness of the feelings inside your body keeps your brain from trying to figure out every possible reason why you might feel the way you feel. That's it.
To stop thinking you have to learn how to feel uncomfortable inside your body, or with negative emotions, so that It's not a problem for your brain to solve. All the overthinking is just trying to solve a problem that isn't really a problem. This is how we do this. This is the process that I teach my clients and it's the same process I use every single time my brain wants to try to solve for the problems that I'm creating in my scary thoughts. Yes, I still do this. And I still imagine this is what people who aren't necessarily wired to be more anxious do without having to think about it. This process has changed how my clients think and that's changed how I live my life and it has done the same for all the people that I coach. Pay attention, because this is the stuff that makes coaching the best investment of your time and your money to stop overthinking. Period. This is it!
First, know your body. You know what you feel like when your body is anxious. You might not have ever paid much attention to the feeling because it doesn't feel good. It feels threatening. But It's the exact opposite than threatening; it is protecting you. You have to be willing to feel it. Get to know that feeling intimately. It is your red flag, it is your guard dog, it is your deepest love and protection, trying to keep you safe.
Next, you have to listen to what that feeling is telling you. I mean, really let it be there. Breathe, and listen, not with your ears, and not to the thoughts that your brain is giving you. To the feeling. This is such a powerful coaching moment! I've had clients literally burst into tears, and other ones who like crack up laughing when they sink into the feeling and get super honest about what they fear. It doesn't always happen in an instant. If you've been avoiding these thoughts and trying to push away how you feel for some time, it can take a little coaxing. But when the truth comes out, and you really get to feel the emotion, you've struck gold, my friend, because that's where healing happens.
Once you know what you're feeling and what you're really afraid of, you've opened the door to truth. Instead of all the scary stories that your brain wants to come up with. The feeling Isn't a problem anymore, because it's not dangerous. You know what it is, you get to learn to trust yourself when your body feels wonky, and start to choose your thoughts instead of believing every single problem that you're creating, to figure out what is wrong. Because nothing's actually wrong. It's just a feeling. When the problem isn't actually a problem anymore but just how your body feels or just a negative emotion, or just a memory that you have, that may or may not be true, you don't think about it anymore. You aren't spending all your energy rolling around in a pool of anxiety or worrying about what's wrong or where you messed up and what you should have done, or should do, and your whole body benefits.
You can fall asleep at night instead of laying there wide awake, overthinking everything from the past 25 years. You can focus on work, you can focus on your family, because your brain is not cloudy anymore. Your brain is working properly. You don't have headaches and body aches. You can digest your food, and my favorite, you actually really start to find confidence in how you feel and trusting yourself that, 'I'm not saying stupid things all the time'. This is huge. You're not living for everybody else because you're afraid of what they think or you're afraid of what will happen, because you know those are just scary stories that your brain was telling you based on how your body feels.
I am always 100% blown away when I start working with someone and they have all the reasons why they can't stop thinking and what they can't do. And this sometimes goes on for several weeks when we start. We start talking on a weekly basis and then all of a sudden, it just clicks. And they show up. And they just casually tell me some week that they decided to join a gym, or join a moms group and they've been too afraid to talk to people because of what they imagined someone thinks about them. They applied for a promotion, and they got it... no big deal. 'I just you know....' how to. So here's how it starts. I start every session with, "What's going well? And sometimes in the beginning, people struggle to come up with things because their brains incredibly anxious. And that's normal. I get it. And then all of a sudden, some week, I'm like, What's going well? 'I don't know. It was kind of just... it wasn't really anything this week. I mean, I joined the gym, and oh, hey, did I tell you I got a promotion?'. And I'm like, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! This is huge! We need to celebrate this! HOLD THE PHONE! BACK IT UP! THIS IS HUGE! It feels so incredibly big, and so incredibly natural at the same time, because at that point, they weren't overthinking things. It's amazing. I love it like...I like, stop and do this little dance in my kitchen. That's fantastic. This is absolutely 100% possible for you too.
By the way, if you want to learn more about how you can work with me, all you have to do is go to the show notes and click the link. Or you can just jump over to my website, It's megandevito.com/workwithme and schedule a free consultation. This consultation is just a phone call, where I'll ask you about how anxiety shows up in your life. Where do you see it? What is it doing? I'm going to ask you what do you want to do that feels really too big and too impossible right now because you're anxious. Nothing is too weird here either. Anxiety is amazing storyteller. I'll ask you what works and what is making it worse? You can just tell me your whole story. And by the end of the call, you'll know if I'm the right coach for you and I will know if you're the right client for me. From there, you just get to decide what happens next. If we're right for each other, and you're into it, we just go ahead and schedule your first coaching call and you can get started. It's super simple. It's lots of fun. And I really hope that you'll decide to take advantage of that offer because on that call, you get so much clarity into what is actually making you anxious and what's actually causing the problem. And It's not what you think it is. I swear that much is true.
I'll be back next week for another episode. And in the meantime, I hope I'll talk to you soon.
I hope you've enjoyed this episode of The More Than Anxiety podcast. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And of course when you're ready to explore coaching with me, jump to the show notes. Click the link and scheduled time for us to talk. See you soon.
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