Episode Description: Why asking for help with anxiety is hard and how to overcome it
We live in a self-help world and I'll be the first to admit, there is a lot of great advice out there. All of it can be helpful when you're learning how to feel less anxious. In Episode 32, I'm sharing some reasons why asking for help can feel so difficult and a simple way you can start accepting help today that will give you more time to feel calm and have a lot more fun.
Key Moments:
[02:45] The Self-Help Trap: Why consuming endless tips and advice can leave you stuck and frustrated.
[09:15] The Fear of Judgment: How societal stigma and self-talk prevent you from seeking support.
[15:30] Control and Anxiety: Why letting go feels scary but is necessary for growth.
[22:00] The Power of Asking: How asking for help can transform your journey from struggle to progress.
[27:45] Next Steps: How to schedule a free consultation and take the first action toward recovery.
Why Is It So Hard To Ask For Help
Podcast Transcript:
Welcome to the More Than Anxiety podcast. I'm Megan Devito. and I am a life coach for stressed out and anxious women living with anxiety, who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live, where anxiety Isn't holding you back. Get ready for a light hearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident in your ability to have more of what you want without anxiety holding you back. Let's do this.Welcome to Episode 32 of the More Than Anxiety podcast. I'm recording this episode in late March of 2023, just in case you're catching this episode after it releases. Thanks for listening. I'm Megan and I am a life coach for women who are stressed out and anxious and today I'm going to talk about why asking for help can feel really, really hard, even when you know that you need help, and you even kind of want help. So if you've been trying everything that you can think of and everything that you've learned to feel less anxious, everything from articles or talking to support a friend, or you've been considering starting therapy or coaching, this episode is absolutely 100% for you.Let's just start with acknowledging how many incredible self help books and apps and programs there are out there right now, I have some that I really really love. I love to listen to Mel Robbins, I've read You Are A Badass about three times. Loving What Is is a phenomenal book, if you haven't checked that out. We have no shortage of ideas that can really make a huge difference when you're anxious, or just when you want to retile your shower. Whatever it is, back in the day, when I was feeling really super anxious and living with some major disordered anxiety, this information wasn't out there. So if you're learning all the different ways to feel better, and you're digging around to find information, it is there, and I assure you that you can find it, and you've probably already seen it. This is a great thing and I've used lots of self help ideas to help me continue to recover. It's a process and I use those things.So the problem isn't lack of information or lack of support. There are support groups on Facebook, you might even be in some and there is in person support at different churches and different schools all over your community. The problem isn't your desire or your need to feel better. That's real, and it's intense, which is why so many of you consume all of that information on YouTube, and Instagram and you read the books or you listen to this podcast. You are taking in loads of information and so much of it says the same thing, because most of it is really good advice! One of the questions I ask when I'm on a consultation with someone is to tell me what is helping you right now and sometimes the person who I'm talking to has a few things that really help them, and usually it comes back to breathing or finding something to distract them from what they're feeling anxious about. Other times It's having a drink or going for a walk and I'm not here to judge what's the best way for you or anyone else. And I couldn't even tell you what that was if I tried; everything works for somebody, The problem is what works for someone might not actually work for you.Lots of times when you're sifting through the abundance of ideas out there to stop feeling anxious, or to manage your anxiety, people start throwing spaghetti at the wall just to see what sticks because desperate times call for desperate measures, right? And when you find something that helps, it feels like you have struck gold. You can use that tool to your benefit; keep using it until it stops working. Or you can use it until you decide to try something else. Whatever you decide to do. A lot of trying to feel less anxious can really be trial and error and self help is a great way for you to learn new things to try, because if it doesn't work, you can always move on to the next post or the next piece of idea. It's cheap, it's free, and you're not out anything if it doesn't work. And that's probably why you keep going back to it. But, the process of figuring out what works and actually sticking to a process long enough for it to work, then knowing what's going on that is causing you to feel anxious so you don't have to keep looking for the next thing, or the next self help book... it's not fast and it isn't necessarily easy. And it's often not helping you get to what the real problem is.The advice and the tips that you learn can be spot on and totally true. And I've read a lot of books that have given me some incredible steps to take once I was already into my recovery. They helped me learn more about my body and more about my brain and they have given me some new tools to share with my coaching clients. So while you're taking in all of the self help stuff out there, and really wanting to feel better, why aren't you asking for help? There are some really common reasons why asking for help is so hard and why diving into self help feels so easy. I'm going to cover some of these reasons today, but I want you to remember that people that are writing these self help books and putting this information out there are past the point that you likely are right now. So for example, if you are listening to my podcast and you're feeling incredibly anxious all day long, it's not that I don't understand because yes, I was absolutely in that position. But that's in my past. So I am giving you information from my present that can absolutely help you about things that I did in the past. But if you're looking to where I am as an example of what you should feel when you start that self help, that can get frustrating very quickly.So let's talk about some really common reasons why asking for help is so hard. Number one, no one else has to know. If you're doing self help, if you're reading a self help book, or you're watching some Instagram reels or you're watching videos on YouTube, you know that you're feeling like hell. You know that you're trying you know that you're really looking for answers, but It's still a secret that you don't have to share with anyone. You can go to Amazon and buy a self help book, you can scroll on your phone and take in all of that information, but remember, information doesn't make changes. It just tells you more things that you probably already know. But there's a level of secrecy and safety in there when you're just viewing it and not taking action, partly because you don't want anyone else to know and partly because your brain doesn't actually have to make the changes. It's just learning more and it feels proactive, but It's not.The second reason is that asking for help means admitting that you can't fix the problem on your own. I can't fix it by myself. That statement can feel really disempowering and kind of scary because even though, yes, we're wired for community, we're also wired to want to do things on our own and to be independent. So think about toddlers and how they want to do it themselves. Even if you don't have a toddler, if you've ever seen one at the mall, and they refuse to hold their dad's hand. They wait until they are beyond frustrated and angry to finally let anybody help them open the candy bar they want to eat and even then they're kind of mad that they had to ask for help. They're not happy about it. Asking for help can also leave you with this level of doubt about whether it will work because you think that you've already tried everything, so probably the person that you're asking can't help you anyway, because you've already tried it. Again, That's not necessarily true. You already know it, but have you actually implemented the information that you've learned? Have you taken the time and understood that the results are not necessarily instantaneous because I've spent seven years recovering, or Mel Robbins has spent however many years doing her thing. All of us; yes, we're in a place where we feel great and we're sharing that information with you because we want you to get there, but it didn't happen the first time we heard it. There's implementation and there's progress, and there's time and there's devotion. And there's days that feel like absolute hell that you think it's not working, but it is and It's getting through those portions and having someone to support you on that way that can help when you start to feel frustrated and then back away from asking from help.The third reason: When you ask someone to help you, it means that you're not able not only to do something on your own, but there is a stigma attached isn't there? If I ask, they know I'm struggling. So not only does it mean that someone else knows you're struggling, but it brings up this fear of judgement, and possibly of being perceived as weak, or incapable or having someone look at you like you're broken. I'm going to put this out here right now that I'm not broken. You're not broken. Anyone else's writing, the self help books isn't broken. We've all been there. You're just learning. You are completely capable of recovering but in the middle of asking for help. The thoughts that you could be potentially having about yourself are that you're not doing it right. These thoughts aren't true, but they can hold you back from asking for help. Self judgment can start with thinking that you're weak and spiral into a bunch of other negative self talk that makes you feel even more anxious and more incapable, and when you go there, when you let yourself slide down that spiral, to feeling like you're too anxious or too incapable, that holds you back from asking someone to help you. The fourth one: What you say to yourself is what your brain believes. So this goes back to number three, where I said that negative self talk makes you feel more anxious and more incapable. Once you buy into the story that you're weak or broken, or incapable, it's something else that you have to work through. So you might wonder what other stuff is going to come up. "I just told myself, I was incapable. Now if I start talking to a coach, what else am I going to drag out?" "What if I embarrass myself?" Or maybe you think you have some big awful repressed memory that you don't want to remember. I'm not saying that's true or not true, but in my experience helping people who are anxious, the memories people have aren't necessarily hidden. It's the thoughts they have about who they are, and that circles back to being hard on yourself for having a keyed up nervous system. You didn't do anything wrong to end up anxious, you just did what you needed to do to survive, and you learned some bad habits that have you stuck and trying to control every situation and every feeling that are making you feel more anxious. You're stuck in a cycle of thinking and feeling.And number five: getting helped means you have to let go and accept help. You're giving up control and trying to control things is the cornerstone of feeling anxious. You want to control situations, or you want to control what people think, or say or do and even the past, so asking someone feels like you're giving up control, or having to do the things that make you feel more anxious and the thought of doing things that make you feel more anxious, is going to continue to make you feel anxious. But this is exactly why you need to ask for help! This is exactly how we move through those thoughts about who you are, and what you're capable of, and what letting go can actually open up for you. and how it doesn't have to be something that makes you feel anxious. Getting to a place where you're ready to ask for help just takes some self acknowledgement and some self compassion and you can start by admitting that you've done a really great job, trying every single thing that you already know right now. You might have found something or even a few things that help you and that's fantastic. And, when you can shift, asking for help from self judgment to another form of self help, you are literally asking someone to help yourself. You're taking the nasty self talk out of it, and you're letting yourself grow.I'm here to tell you that change begins the moment you decide to ask and schedule a consultation. Just that one moment of powerful humility sets the ball rolling to get you to a place of knowing the next step of finding the missing piece. It's like finding a four leaf clover that's been under your nose the entire time. You find it and then - BAM, your luck shifts. My daughter once found seven four leaf clovers in 15 minutes in a three foot patch on our front yard. Your brain starts to open up to all the things that you haven't tried, and what will still work, and the opportunities that you've been missing. You start to find other areas in your life that are about to level up, simply because your brain is 100% focused on how to stop feeling anxious all the time. So you start to sleep better. And you have more confidence and your ability at work and as a parent. And you start taking risks and doing things that have felt way too big or scary up until now. And you notice that you're not snappy and fighting with your kids or your partner so often, so your relationships are stronger, and they're a lot more fun. It all comes from making the decision to shut down your pride and to put your fears away and ask.I want to offer you an opportunity to do this right now by scheduling a consultation with me to talk about what coaching will allow you to have in your life. Yes, less stress and anxiety, of course, but what else? What else is available to you by simply scheduling and showing up for a phone call? It's that simple to ask and to say yes to help. The consultation call is totally free and by the time we hang up, you will know exactly what is keeping you anxious and have at least one way to start feeling more calm and confident that you really can recover and feel great. I love these calls and the transformation and the hope they offer whether you choose to work with me or not. They lasts about an hour and they are 100% focused on you and what you need. The link to schedule the calls in the show notes or you can go to www.megandevito.com/workwithme right now and choose a time that works best for you. Then all you have to do is pick up the phone and call me. I know that might make you feel a little anxious and that's another step toward showing your anxiety who's boss. It is absolutely Okay and normal for you to be nervous about the call. I expect it and I know you can do it even when you are feeling anxious. I'm looking forward to hearing about what is waiting for you once anxiety is not ruling your life. If I don't talk to you before, I'll be back next week. Take care. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of The More Than Anxiety podcast. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And of course when you're ready to explore coaching with me, jump to the show notes. Click the link and schedule a time for us to talk. See you soon.
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