Episode Description: Building Strong Relationships by Managing Anxiety
Feeling anxious in your relationships? In this episode, coach Megan Devito discusses how anxiety sneaks into the nooks and crannies of your life and how it impacts your relationships with your partner, family, friends, and even yourself.Â
Learn how to building stronger relationships can start by managing anxiety, and practical strategies to communicate your needs effectively.
Megan shares her personal journey recovering from health anxiety and reveals how it masked other forms of anxiety affecting her relationships. You'll learn:
Understanding Relationship Anxiety: Recognize how anxiety impacts communication, temper, and clarity in your relationships. ( Understanding How Anxiety Disorder Affects Relationships | Behavioral Health of NYC)
Effective Communication: Learn how to communicate your anxiety to loved ones so they can support you without feeling burdened.
Setting Boundaries: Discover how to balance your needs with the needs of others and avoid co-dependency.
Self-Care & Empowerment:Â Learn tools to manage anxiety independently and build stronger, healthier relationships.
Recognizing Anxiety Triggers: Learn to identify your body's early warning signs and respond proactively.
Moving Beyond Reassurance: Learn why reassurance can hinder growth and how to ask for true support.
Whether you're struggling with romantic relationships, family dynamics, or friendships, this episode provides valuable insights and actionable steps to overcome anxiety and build fulfilling connections.
Podcast Transcript:
Welcome to the More Than Anxiety Podcast. I'm Megan Devito and I'm a life coach for stressed out and anxious women who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live, where anxiety is holding you back, get ready for a light hearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident, calm and ready to live. Let's get to it.
Welcome to Episode 39 Of the More Than Anxiety podcast, I am recording this episode in my closet without the little speaker thing that goes over the microphone, I'm just holding it in my hand. And it's May of 2023. There's a lot going on in my house, which explains why I am recording in my closet. But here I am... So if you're listening live, I am thrilled you decided to check this out today. And if you're listening in the future, I feel the same way. I always appreciate you spending your time with me and learning how to take care of yourself and your mind so you can do all of the incredible things that you've been wanting to do, like hang out in your closet and record, record podcasts. But if you haven't heard it before, I 100% believe that each person who learns how to live without having anxiety stop them to manage their anxiety. So It's not a problem. I believe that person has the opportunity to help other people the same way I am right now. and the more that we help people that happier the safer and the more hopeful that the entire world becomes. and you are important in this gigantic mission I have, which is why I am here hanging out on the floor, kind of admiring a mess that I have made that definitely needs to be cleaned up in here. This is a totally different perspective for me. I've never actually sat on my closet floor before. But I digress....
So in this episode, I'm going to talk about relationship anxiety. I've had this conversation in the past with my daughter, about how people view relationships in terms of commitment. and as a positive or negative thing and what people want in their relationships. Things are always evolving in how people marry or why they get married, and why they divorce, in how we relate to our kids and our parents. And It's safe to say I am officially old because I've found myself wondering what the youngsters are thinking in regards to anxiety about relationships with our partners, or our employers or our families or whomever can be a sticky part of how our relationships work. And It's definitely worth diving into so that you can feel secure and happy and have relationships, whether they're romantic, or friendly, or work relationships, that benefit you, but that feel really good and that you enjoy.
When you think about anxiety, and I'm guessing that's why you're here since this podcast is about anxiety, you might think of specific fears you have about flying or maybe about throwing up or about your health. Maybe you're anxious about what other people think about you. What I know from coaching, though, is that anxiety doesn't only affect one part of your life, it sneaks into a lot of different areas, even when you don't recognize it as anxiety, and this is especially true when it comes to how we relate to other people, and as always, it's what we're thinking about when we relate to them.
I want to start with a story about myself and my recovery. If you are new here, I'm recovered from health anxiety that ran my life. from the time I was in about third grade all the way until I was almost 40 years old. I'm 47, so that's a really long time to have anxiety ruining your plans, and making you feel like crap. But when I was stuck in the thick of it, I thought anxiety was only about getting diseases and feeling truly just paralyzed by scary thoughts. It took years for me to learn how to let go, how to stop reacting and start responding and even longer for me to recognize all of the other places I was still reacting when I was anxious about things that had absolutely nothing to do with my health. I never would have thought I was anxious because I felt so much better. I'd say I was stressed or I'd say I was grouchy, or maybe tired and annoyed and yes, I was definitely all of those things, but I was also dealing with some underlying anxiety that was sneaking in and my coach who I was working with at the time helped me through more of those anxious thoughts than I ever knew were still there. She was pulling out anxious habits that I didn't see because we just don't know what we don't know. And That's what coaching is all about. I saw it in other people but I didn't see it in myself because honestly, I felt and I still feel so much better than I ever had in my entire life. And since she found other places I could clean up my thoughts, I feel even better now than I did then. And one of those places I still had some sticky anxious thoughts had to do with some of the most important relationships with my life.
So I said, anxiety has this way of sneaking in the nooks and crannies, and it does. It worms its way into every part of your life, because it becomes a habit; that includes your relationships with other people, whether it's a relationship with your romantic partner, or a family member or a friend, anxiety can show up and make it difficult to communicate, or to keep an even temper, and to think clearly. And when you're dealing with other people, even when you have the most love and the best intentions, it can get in the way. I saw this happening in my relationship with my husband, and with my kids and with my parents, more than really anybody else, I think. But one of the most common complaints I see if I'm talking with people, whether It's online, or whether I'm out with my friends is that my partner, my husband, my boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, doesn't understand how I feel; they don't get why I'm anxious - and that may or may not be true. If they think that's true, and I offer that even though they may not be anxious in the way that you are, or in the way that they don't understand how you feel or why you think what you think, that doesn't mean they don't want to help, or that they don't believe you. And how great is it that they don't understand, by the way? Do we really want them feeling miserable right along with us. I mean, yeah, we definitely want them to know it's real, we want them to understand how hard it is, but I don't know that if there's somebody we care about, we truly want them to feel as anxious as us, or to really understand. The fact that they don't understand, or they don't feel like they are always under some kind of a threat means they can be a calming place for you. and that simple thought shift is important when you talk to them about how you feel. You have to keep communicating with them, especially when you're anxious or stressed so they can support you and they can begin to understand better. Even if it's not their experience, you can tell them what your physical symptoms are, and you can tell them what thoughts feel super true to you and that scare you to death. And you can tell them how they can help you. And when they know what to look for, they know when you're starting to feel anxious, so they don't have to misunderstand your snappy response when you bite their head off or tear into them, or maybe when you burst into tears as some other emotion, like you're angry, or you're upset or you're sad about something, because anxiety comes out in lots of different behaviors that are sometimes really hard to interpret. So be clear. so they can be clear on when and how they can help. But remember, it's not their job to make your anxiety get better or to go away. It's not their job to have to experience it with you. That is not their job, It's yours.
But they can be there to encourage you, or to support you as you work through all of those feelings and emotions. They have to be told what's going on. First, you have to communicate it clearly and when you're not feeling super anxious. Talk about it sometime when you feel really relaxed or even a little relaxed. Tell them what you need the most. Do you need someone to sit with you when you're really anxious? Maybe just having someone sit down next to you and hold your hand? Do you need someone to be a sounding board. You don't need them to solve your problems, and to be honest, you don't want them to solve your problems because they're not going to give you the answer that you're looking for. Do you need someone just to vent to, or to get all of the words out of your head? Maybe someone to cheer for you to do the things that you tend to avoid or to fear so that they can say, I know you're really afraid to go talk to your boss, but this is... let's make a plan on how you can do that. Somebody who can say 'You've got this, I know you've got this.' Remember that you are still the one that's responsible for your thoughts, and how you respond when you're anxious. But there are so many people in your life who want you to feel amazing, and that includes me. That's really why I'm here.
So one of the challenge that comes up with anxiety is avoiding the situations that trigger you and this can mean avoiding certain social situations or withdrawing from your partner, or your friends, or your parents, or anyone just because you feel like you're too anxious. Or maybe you think that you're not safe. Whatever those thoughts are for you, you might know that you're feeling overwhelmed and you want to stay home because it feels safe there. It feels cozy; I know.. I can predict what's going to happen. Or you might want to be alone, but your partner or your friends might not have a clue how you're feeling, or what's going on in your head, It's important for you to recognize when you're feeling this way, and communicate with them, or whoever else is involved, about what's going on. For you to be able to do that though, you need to know yourself, recognizing the feelings inside of your body is incredibly important for you to communicate how you feel, but even more so for you to be able to use those feelings to your advantage. So when I'm coaching you, we will focus on those feelings as an alarm to tell you that you're starting to feel anxious, so you can catch them as soon as they begin. And the faster that you can respond. Instead of react, the faster you can make a decision to either go into what's making you feel anxious, or to start a grounding technique. Whatever it is that you are needing in that moment. But first, you have to know what your body feels like, when you feel anxious, the very first twinge of anxiety. That way, you can tell yourself that you're safe. and you can choose whatever it is that happens next, and you can communicate how you want to respond, and get that support and encouragement from people who also want to help you. 'Hey, I know I'm getting anxious because I feel really dizzy, or I just feel like I can't get a good breath of air, so I need to sit down for a minute and just could you sit with me,? I'll be fine in a minute.' That's that simple. That kind of communication helps anybody else that you have a relationship, know what you need, so that you can get back to having fun sooner. Maybe what you need is just to be left alone for a few minutes and that's okay.
Some people really like to retreat when they feel anxious. But on the flip side, some people can be really clingy when they're anxious. If you are afraid of being left or abandoned, if you think you need someone there to talk you through the anxious thoughts or the anxious feelings are to help you, you might hover or kind of stick like glue to that person who feels safe to you, and this can put a strain on your relationships as well. Parents can start to feel really overwhelmed trying to help their anxious kids, not because they don't want to help them or because they're mad at them, but because they feel helpless and they don't know what to do. It's harder for little kids to communicate that. But as adults or as teenagers, we can do that. Spouses can start to feel responsible for their partner's happiness, but also helpless if their partner feels insecure. Friends start to feel overly responsible for someone. and again, communication is key here. You have to communicate how you feel what you need, and what that person can do to assist you. As you start to recover. You can start making more of those choices on your own and be even clearer with yourself. and with them, you can start letting them know that you don't need to reassurance that you're Okay, but you just want support that you're going to feel better soon. Or that you know what I know this is scaring you. I just need the support of you next to me until I get my feet back under me. You can tell them 'Do not tell me what it is that I need to do.' 'Don't tell me that I'm going to be Okay.' Don't do any of that and just let them know that reassurance isn't helping you. It isn't what you need, even though it feels good. And they really mean well, don't they? And for you right now where you are, you may actually be asking for reassurance, and at some point, you'll get to the place where you know that reassurance isn't helping. That's Okay, It's wherever you are right now, when you recognize that.
Even if they don't feel 100% of your anxiety, or they don't understand 100% of what you're going through, it's okay and they still want to be there. But they also have their own needs and their own boundaries, so there may be times where you think that you need something from them that they just can't provide, and that's when you have to have the skills and the mindset to be able to take care of yourself. The people that you have in your life cannot and should not be your life support. I know I've said this before, but you are the only person who can be there all of the time, and help yourself recover. Only you. Taking care of yourself and your own mental health, can feel really, really overwhelming at first when you don't know what to do, but it is also incredibly empowering. When you are the one who learns to calm yourself down without having to lean on other people in your life, you get to celebrate your own power. First of all, and you get to live life how you want to live life and those people all get to come along for the ride. You get to know that you're safe and you choose what you want to do because it feels fun and it feels exciting. You bring the part of you that loves to have fun to your relationships.
And the more that you recover, the less often you have to communicate that like I'm feeling anxious, I could use this. They start to see that you're making progress. You start to see that you're making progress and everything shifts, because you become the you that's confident in what you can do, and and who you are. Because you're not believing how you feel and you're not believing those anxious thoughts anymore. You start to trust yourself, because you know the truth. It takes a little bit, but you absolutely will get there. It's so freeing, and it strengthens not only your relationship with your partner or your friends, but with yourself to get there. this means asking for help. and if you're not sure where to start, any place is better than no place. this also means practicing taking care of yourself, call it self care, call it whatever you want. It means setting boundaries in your relationships. So you feel okay about saying no when you need to take care of yourself.
I can help you when you schedule a Confidence Catalyst call. Even though anxiety might be affecting your relationships now, it doesn't have to once you learn how you react, because you can choose to respond. Instead, I'll help you learn how to communicate what you need while you learn how to lower your anxiety and start to trust yourself. You'll start taking care of yourself so you develop healthier relationships. You feel confident about who you are about what you want. Everything shifts one little piece at a time. You can schedule that call right now at Megandevito.com/workwithme. Or you can go to the show notes and just click the link there scattered in all of those notes. So thanks for listening today. I will be back next week if I don't talk to you sooner. Take care.Â
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The More Than Anxiety podcast. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And of course when you're ready to explore coaching with me, jump to the show notes, click the link and schedule time for us to talk. See you soon.